#39 Glasses

Posted March 19th, 2008 by sy88 · 6 Comments

Yes, that suspicion you had was true: Asians are nerds. Asians also squint a lot (That’s why they have slanted eyes). Combine those 3 common characteristics: nerdy, squinty, slanty; and you have the reason that so many asians wear glasses (including yours truly).

Okay, okay… so not all Asians are short-sighted or far-sighted, and one could argue that quite a few Asians try to hide or amend their shortcomings with fashion-savvy alternatives to vision correction such as contact lenses or laser eye surgery. But let’s face it: Asians are not the most fashion-savvy people in the world. The concept of fashion trends was created by the white man, namely the French. Asians believe their duty as Asians is to be non-conformist when it comes to contact lenses and buck the trend towards laser eye surgery. Therefore, the only logical solutions are glasses or spectacles.

Asians remember a more innocent time: When their mothers told them off for sitting too close to the television. Or perhaps it was from playing too many computer games. I mean, just look at Post #15, god knows Asians love their video games. Regardless, Asian parents constantly warn their children that all those colorful, flashing images jumping around inches from their eyeballs will mess up their future vision capabilities. Asian parents’ teachings are always vindicated at the onset of puberty.

It’s been scientifically proven that glasses lower attractiveness level tenfold (Asian males are a living testament to this). Yes, glasses allow Asians to pursue their love of #3 – academia more successfully, but that darn accessory immediately decreases an Asian male’s attractiveness to the other sex. (Yes white women, I’m looking your way). But asian ladies fear not: glasses merely give them that ‘sexy librarian’ look (or at least the Asian equivalent). As the guys on ‘Stuff White People Like’ can attest to (as per #12 on that list), asians will always appear attractive to white guys, so at least they always have that! So in effect, glasses are a hindrance to one Asian gender, but a benefit to the other. (Gender equality, you gotta love it!)

What it all boils down to in the end is genetics. Those slanty Asian eyes don’t quite operate as they should. That’s why Asians love anime: Characters usually have mesmerizing, huge, and doughy eyes. It’s an Asian desire to have eyes comparable to their beloved anime characters. As this dream cannot be realized in real life (not even by plastic surgery *michael jackson*), asians have to live with the reality of their eyes. Mother Nature doesn’t, unfortunately, favor asians.

So, to the Asian guys and girls who proudly don chunks of rim and metal around their eyes, I pose these questions:

Guys, do you wanna end up looking like this glasses-wearing man?

(Dalai Lama)

Girls, do you want to follow in the footsteps of this groovy spec-eyed chick?


(Yoko Ono)

Whatever the choice, you can satisfy yourself with the fact that you’ll either be able to reach spiritual enlightenment or marry a white guy that will revolutionize music. That is, if you’re an Asian that wears glasses

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Older posts will be located at:

My old host is taking quite a bit of time to re-instate my MySQL account. It was apparently using over 20% of the server load. I will update this site accordingly as I recover entries. In the meantime, it is very grueling, but I am compiling all the older posts to here:

Stuff Asian People Like Archive

Thanks again,
Peter.

#38 White Guys

Posted March 18th, 2008 by Skunkgal · No Comments
https://i0.wp.com/farm2.static.flickr.com/1316/1436119560_8db1fc3bd7_o.jpgAsian chicks dig white guys. Somewhere in the midst of the pseudo-nationalistic indoctrination our well-meaning parents inflict upon us, we ladies stop paying attention and allow tall(er), skinny, white boy engineers to steal our hearts.What’s up with the race treason? One theory: They love us. Asian fetish, yellow fever. Whatever you call it, there’s plenty of literature out there telling white men that we slant-eyed princesses are the exotic, submissive, and hypersexualized women of their dreams.http://www.stanford.edu/~nancytpn/storage/kristin_kreuk.jpgThis post, however, is not about why white guys live in a delusional fantasy world. It’s a dissertation on why, despite the tawdry roots of our suitors’ affection, we just eat it up. One economist says it’s because Asian women are the least discriminatory female demographic (second-to-last paragraph)– that “the white man-Asian woman pairing was the most common form of interracial dating … because of the women’s neutrality, not the men’s pronounced preference.”

Uh, ok. Whatever. What about our strict fathers and sheltered childhoods. Plus, we all saw how well that John Lennon/Yoko Ono thing worked out. And we can’t resist everything white men have to offer–and no, I’m not talking about that. White men indulge our deepest PDA-fantasies; they hold our hands, they aren’t terribly cerebral about their emotions, and they will–heaven forbid–tell their parents that we’re actually dating. Asian parents don’t do any of that gross hand-holding, making-outhttps://i2.wp.com/star-ecentral.com/archives/2006/9/22/movies/f_03robbhood.jpg stuff. Asian boys learned the lesson; girls, not so much.

Lastly, if you think this is all a pile of BS, we all can admit one tangible reason the Asian/white pairing works so well. God knows all we want are highly attractive children, and halfie babies are so damn cute.

Written by Skunkgal

#37 Piano & Violin

Posted March 17th, 2008 by YASPY Chick · 1 Comment

Asian parents always want to refine their children. This includes enrolling them in music lessons at a very young age until about the beginning of high school. But not just any kind of music lessons: piano or violin “edification.” (At times, flute is acceptable too.) These instruments symbolize, to many Asians, the epitome of refinement. It isn’t too different from the English during the Regency and Victorian periods when a young middle class woman’s ability to play piano was a sign of her sophistication. This asian refinement is a sign of accomplishment because the asian parents are able to “afford” these frills. The children, due to their parents constant struggle to show other parents up, are forced to take these lessons.

The piano is considered by asians as the core instrument that one learns in order to first unPianoderstand the essentials of music. Why? In order to successfully know how to play piano, asians must know how to read both the treble and bass clefs. That means understanding the intricacies of a whole other language at the ripe age of 3, which in turn, allows most asian children to comprehend how to efficiently use their left and right brain hemispheres at an earlier age. Do you ever wonder why asian children are so gifted mathematically and spatially? That’s your answer. Asians will also enroll their children in musical classes to serve the community.

For Asian-Christian families, the ability to play piano means that the child can have his or her turn at “performing” during church services. That way, Mrs. Chung can brag (more on bragging below) to everyone that it’s her Jenny out there playing “‘Praise My Soul’ like an angel.” The accolades don’t end in the congregation hall. That’s why pianos are, most importantly, expensive. To have one in the living room is a subtle (in an asian sense) way of telling everyone that the Asians are keeping up with the “Joneses” (or the Wongs).

In asian circles, piano is the choice instrument, followed very closely by the violin. The violin is often a preference because it’s small and portable, great for young children. Asian kids start private music lessons as Violinkindergarteners (before they start learning how to use chopsticks, but after they start their introductory calculus lessons), or even while in pre-school (I had my first piano lesson just before my 4th birthday)! The sound it makes is very soft and smooth when playing strictly classical music (a proper Asian kid does NOT fiddle). The violin, like piano, is also more likely to be a “star” instrument, which will more times than none draw more attention to the child’s parents.

To Conservative Asians, most other instruments are a no-no. Especially brass instruments and instruments associated with bands and more popular music. To Asian parents, instruments such as trombones, saxophones, trumpets, percussive drums, guitar (especially ELECTRIC GUITAR) are blasphemous. Asian parents don’t want their child to risk becoming evil rock musicians! Asian kids must be proper. They must be able to play the kind of music that can be heard at church or when family friends visit. They must be able to read at a 5th grade level before they are potty-trained. And most importantly, they must learn how to heckle with other children when trading lunches in order to achieve the most economical utility.

YASPY Home

Note from Author: Acceptable instruments other than piano and violin include: flute, clarinet, oboe, cello (only after Yo-Yo Ma became a big star), and vocal ensembles. (At my middle and high schools, the flute sections at ensembles were overwhelmingly Asian while brass instruments were white.) The guitar is allowed after the age of 18, when children are legal adults and want to play sad songs about how the girl in Multi-Quantum Physics isn’t digging their outfit or accepting their invitations to buy boba (but let’s save that for a later post).

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#36 Aging Cookware

Posted March 16th, 2008 by avaliant · 2 Comments
Asians love food, and they absolutely love home-cooked food, all the better with many family and friends around the table. This means, by extension, that Asians love cooking, even if they do not partake of the activity themselves. However, one thing that Asian people absolutely do not love is cooking with modern kitchen appliances.The true Asian chef will use only a knife and cutting board to prepare their meal. This is ironic, because of the many different types of cuisine in the world, the various Asian cuisines almost scream for the use of a food processor. Garlic must be minced into pieces as small as possible, beef sliced paper-thin, and carrots cut into thin strips; the list goes on. Name an Asian dish, and there will be at least three ways a food processor will help (Note, please do not send me recipes to try and prove this statement false. I really don’t care). This is almost invariably true because most Asian dishes require: a) minced garlic, b) chopped/minced onions/spring onions/ginger and c) some kind of slicing.

But the true Asian chef must resist any urges to go and use such a device. Rather, they practice their craft with only cutting board and knife; preferably a large Chinese style cleaver, one of those weirdly shaped Japanese knives, or a western style chef’s knife. If asians need to cut something small, they don’t get another knife; instead, they simply use the large knife, but more carefully. If the asian happens to own other knives (as parts of sets or gifts), they will remain, for the most part, untouched in their drawers, ready to be gifts for other people.

What about the rest of the kitchen? The Asian chef’s kitchen may contain an assortment of various pots and pans, purchased or received at one point. Like the knives, most of them will remain untouched for years. Because Asians absolutely loathe throwing away useful things (future post), these items will build up over the years. However, certain items will be used meal after meal: a large pot for soup/porridge, a steamer, a rice cooker (of course). But perhaps the crown jewel of the Asian kitchen is the wok. Almost everything in an Asian person’s stomach at one point was conceived in a wok.

Where does this aversion to kitchen appliances come from? Is it a matter of cultural pride? Or perhaps it is the immigrant’s desire to make at least one part of the household similar to that of his home country. Is preparing food by hand really better than using a food processor? The answer to these questions is best left to an anthropology or Asian studies major. Either way, Asian cooking proves that some of the best meals do not need fancy tools to make.

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